I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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