Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize