Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
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I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
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Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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