On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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