last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
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Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
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In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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