This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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