Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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