Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize