I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
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I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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