Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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