I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize