Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
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the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
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I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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