haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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