Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
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I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
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How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
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