You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
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I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
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This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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