matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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