I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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