Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
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He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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