If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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