i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
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I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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