I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
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I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
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