Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize