life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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