Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
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so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
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If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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