My friends, they love my intelligence
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
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