I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
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I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
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You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
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