I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
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