Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
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Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
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There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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