After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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