Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
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No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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