You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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