Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
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This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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