So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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