Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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