Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
do nipples grow back?
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