My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
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I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
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we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
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