and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
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Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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