dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
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Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
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Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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