Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
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Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
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DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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