pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I checked into jail on foursquare
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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