Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Houston, we have a squirter
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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