I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
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I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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