I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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