I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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