Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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