Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
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It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
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I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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