my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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