All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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