I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
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Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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