My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
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I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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